Co-Sleepless: Postpartum Equality

It's Tuesday night, 2:30 am. Baby wakes for the fourth time since 9:00 pm and mama, you think you might just lose your mind. You fantasize about waking your slumbering partner down the hall—but you don't. You almost never do.

All pregnant couples hear warnings about these first sleepless months of life with a newborn. We all worry a bit about it but feel confident that we will adjust. Most new parents find ways to cope, and some strategies work better than others.

Many parents choose to keep mom and baby close for sleeping—either by co-sleeping or with baby in a bassinet or crib in the same room. It often makes sense since consistent close contact helps to establish breastfeeding and attachment. And sometimes it ends up making sense for the co-parent to sleep in another room. The other parent—be it a dad, same-sex partner, or friend—is likely returning to work shortly after baby is born.

Why do couples fall back so quickly on the idea that the "breadwinner" needs sleep more than mom? From personal experience and from witnessing countless friends and clients, I contend that there is no harder job than being a mom—especially in those first six months.

Sleep deprivation deepens postpartum stress and anxiety. Sleep deprivation can make it harder to establish and maintain breast milk supply. Sleep deprivation makes it harder to do the job of being a mom. So, yes, the nocturnal burden of a newborn often needs to be shared more equally.

There are many ways to establish a co-sleepless agreement. Here are some practical tips for the red-eye shift:

Pump milk earlier in the day so the co-parent can handle one full feeding, including diapers, burping and soothing babe back to sleep. Mom could get a solid 2-4 hours of sleep this way!

More ambitiously, split up the feedings—mom could take the evening feedings and her partner the middle of the night feeds. Then reverse it the next night.

Plan ahead by drawing up a weekly schedule for nocturnal duties.

Ask other experienced parents for tips.

If you find sleep a difficult topic to bring up with your partner, try offering this article as a conversation starter!

Plan a regular coffee with your partner to share insights from the week and focus much needed attention on one another.

At the very least, make sure mom is getting as much sleep as possible in the first six weeks—to help her re-center her body and mind and establish her milk supply.

Many new parents find they don't have time or energy to attend to their relationship after parenting all day and night. Sleeping in separate rooms takes away a familiar, physical kind of nurturance. And it can be hard to re-address the sleep arrangements after they have been established for a few months.

I always suggest that my pregnant clients plan a "Babymoon" with their partners before the baby comes—a night away at a hotel, or simpler, a regular weekly date. It's really important to nurture the relationship of the parents so that a stable and solid bond can support them during the stormy post-partum period ahead.

Remember parents, the challenging period with a new baby is usually in the first six months. Stay positive. Stay supportive. Share the night shift as much as possible. And always remember, it gets easier, it really does!

Michele Glover is a mom and a psychotherapist in Ottawa's Westboro Village